To the one I want to get it right with eventually
I am done. I am done trying. I am done saying I miss what we were. I am done trying to understand what went wrong. I am done trying to find whose mistake it was. I am done complaining about how less time we were spending together. I am done analyzing who else is there in your life and if they were ever gonna be me in your life. I am done.
Remember that time you were saying our friend that when and if at all our relationship breaks up, you and I could and would go in separate ways, without a remorse? Without having to sling mud at each other. Without having to asking our friends to choose allegiance between us. Or being not able to have mutual friends anymore. Or even pathetic attempts to make or the classic pretending everything is fine.
You should know how hard I fell for those words and the way you thought. Just like me. Not making an attempt to have a corny belief in ‘forever and always’ or ’till death do us apart’. I am shocked I was not able to do that to perfection.
I keep saying how good I am at letting go. About how I choose happiness over drama. How life is stress free that I don’t have to think if my choices hurt you. Or how I don’t have to think if the choices you make are to hurt me or not.
But apparently I am not. At least I don’t want to. Whatever break that we are in, I am not enjoying it. I could even push myself to say I hate it. Scratch that. I detest it. I know the words hurled may have made a huge difference but what do we have to lose anymore? Can’t we just at least try once more?
This time you can make the rules. Just be aware I am really not good, actually suck at sticking to rules. Yes, I am reckless, impulsive and more often than not cynical these days. But for you, I will try to change. I will try to follow the rules, stick to the plan. And by that I mean, I will not spoil the chances of future plans by being adamant in the current one. In short I might take a dig at being responsible. (Is this what they say – love makes you want to be a better person? If so, I hate love, already).
This time on, you will not have to make me believe we will last, at every instance that we have a fight. Can you even imagine the first two years we never had to fight or argue because we almost synced, without a try? Oh boy, that is more than mere coincidence. We click. I don’t want to lose that.
I know I have said that but have always had one foot back at the ‘I can let go’ square, ever ready to run back. If I do get hurt. If I do get lashed. If I am ignored. But having been there, for a while – I know I don’t want to go back there. So I am ready for the free fall, as I said I am ready for the free fall without a safety net. I am not hoping you won’t let me hit ground, well I kinda do. But I am saying I am ready to take the chance for real, without any assumptions about either of us, and see where this goes?
I want to be your wing-man, yet again. I want to be part of all your Whatsapp groups and then have a private chat with you bitching about the group chat members. I want you to be the first one to know every thing that happens in my life, and me about yours. I will remember it is and has always been ‘us against them’. I still want to be the Claire to the Frank Underwood in our own twisted, manipulative and dark empire, you know I thrive for one.
I know I sound very clichéd, but here is the thing – for you I don’t mind being the cliché or cheesy. I am not asking for it right now and right then, but eventually I hope we reach there. I think I am still the girl, who beams when someone calls her a lady or woman and the same one who would try to beat you down at everything you do. If you were still in the look out for the same girl, would you let me know? I miss you and I miss you much more as my best friend and partner in crime.
So here is the plan. I don’t want or expect you to forget what we did to each other these past few weeks. I know it won’t be fair. I don’t want you come and start where we left it off earlier. I don’t think I can. I want you to come back. Home. To whatever we can try and build from wherever we are. Let’s make a new start, maybe not with a clean slate. We have story already half written. Can we just continue writing it?
You know who
P.S: If I win this contest, I am asking you out. No..hell, even if I don’t, I am taking out the next time we meet. Hope you say, as always.
P.P.S This is a post I wrote for CBC‘s #writealoveletter Challenge. Go ahead, read what others’ have written here. I promise you those would be better.
If you are still reading, you might want to check out this series I had to make up here. No promise that it would be good.