To the one I have moved on from
People say the dumbest things.
Everyone has been asking me to move on, as if moving on was the most natural thing for a human to do after you fail. What happened to ‘never give up’, ‘try till you succeed’? Just because the person they love more is hurting, the rules change, don’t they?
Everyone thinks after a period the feelings I have for you should somehow dissipate as if nothing happened at all. Somehow I am supposed to not remember the dreams and thoughts we shared together. Who gets to decide this period of limit? I wish it could happen it doesn’t or it did not. But at the end I have no other go but to give in to them – I have moved on.
I know deep down you will be happy to hear that. The guy I know would not hurt me if he could help. Sorry, the guy I knew. I am still trying to process this and I am not sure anymore how it works.
Everything is just as it was when you left, if you care to know. Our, erm.. my house is still as messy as it had been, with clothes and books strewn on the floor. But it still feels empty, without the promise of you returning back. But it is alright, our relationship had run its course, isn’t it what they say?
I still listen to the music you left behind on my system. I find myself nodding the rhythm without realizing it was once yours. Just like I had been. It does not matter, people change, right? I am fine these days. Better than what I used to be. I feel myself cringing even to think of the days that passed on without me getting out of the bed.
I am alright, I even though I stopped going to horror movies these days, for I would need to hold your hands and then pretend I was not frightened. See, I can reminiscence about our days together, without breaking down. Maybe one of these days, I would be able to smile at random things. I am making progress.
I met the niece of our neighbor, at the supermarket. Yeah the cute 3 year old she asked for you. How would the children know it was a taboo to talk about break ups and the ones that broke up? I found myself grinning at her mother’s plight trying to deflect the kid’s attention to elsewhere and then had to chastise myself for being so horrible. I could not help but remember our poor attempt to babysit the kid for an day, who ended up in the ER. You thought that might a black mark in case we decided to adopt a kid in some future. Silly me, I thought we were together in that future.
It is not hard to continue our lives as if nothing earth shattering happened. In fact, we did not know it did for a while since then. We did not realize that it might be the last time we hugged. We might have hugged a few seconds longer, or might not. It is not like I spend my time thinking about what-could-haves. I have moved on. I am not writing any of those silly ‘You are the sun my earth revolves around’ kinda poems anymore, I can see you almost smiling when you read that line.
Oh well, you might not be reading this. Of course we mutually unfollowed each other from social media, you know that is almost a divorce in today’s world. We decided we would not stalk each other virtually, like the other exes do. Haven’t we been always better than others?
There is nothing that I have left to say to you. Maybe a few apologies, but we were never that kind. We didn’t have to say sorry, because we almost knew what was running in each other’s mind. Maybe that is why hurting each other has been so easy.
Here it is, what I have been tiptoeing around, though I should have started with it. You broke my heart. My world shattered to pieces when you broke up with me. Though the break up played a main part in it, but what followed was crucifying – an absolute silence. And surrounding me is a myriad of questions and all I seek now is answers. But even more than answers I need to know you will not come back into my life when-so-ever, under no circumstance at all. I want to be able to fill the holes left by you, with assurance that you would not need them back. Just tell me if you would, I wouldn’t mind me being broken for few more weeks or months.
Someone who knows to say she has moved on